1.11.2012

Stage fright

Due to some very annoying characters around me, I started looking for some video game companies where I could do an intership and found around four or five in my living area. All of them take C/C++ programmers, so I can do the stuff I'm training for since school. Actually I didn't want to do this that fast, giving me a bit more time of less stress until I think I'm ready. But meh, it was too early and started getting visions about all those web fuckers defaming everyone not making OOP all the time, me beeing not exepted as C programmer, having not enough stuff to show what I'm capable of and so on. I wasn't even able to do anything productive due to that but run around and calming myself somehow. I'm very sensitive about everything related to proving knowledge and experience and so on. It is some sort of constant fear of not beeing allowed to do what I want to do for my living as well as again having someone to tell me that he thinks I'm not good enough. I know I'm good enough but all this officialized shit is beyond my stress resistance. I can live with knowing that there aren't many people in the team where everyone sort of has it's task to do and where I'm also a part of it (and not just a doodad doing occupational therapy). And I sort of believe that this fear will become true somehow, in whatever way. Oh my, I'm such a nervous wreck. Believe or not, it's the only real thing that ever mattered in my mind. Working in a video game company. My only realy motivation for programming - making games in a company of certain caliber. But until I need to learn for exams and do the very last assignments, I do not want to think about this. Makes we way too nervous fragile in mind.

Whatever, I'm on a good way to get my pause/resume function to. Combining it with the existing code is a matter of utmost simplicity, what I really wonder about is how to make list management more comftable. I've noticed certain problems when working with my self-managed sentinel node list entries. Writing some sort of removing/inserting algorithm with them is a bit difficult since I want to keep everything as small as possible without any temporary variables and at best within a loop header. Therefore, I sat before all this and thought writing some more list iteration macros that sort out elements on condition, delete them and so on. It'd effectively be the set of functions I did before in my C++ template lists with lots of options where the list selection should go after deleting and inserting and so on. I'll do this. Something simple and elementary. Something that's not made of mutexes and so on. I'd appreciate this for a change. It got far too much thread shit for now. Gonna stop that soon and go on with actual game engine content.

So yeah, I'll stay cool and focus. Also, I'll take this game as my bachelor project, thus those guys will see that I already have a good plan of everything and that half of the problematic stuff is already done. I mean if that's not convenient for them, I don't know. And I'm fast in learning and adapting new stuff, so I can adapt to whatever has to be done. Shouldn't worry me about that in any way. If one company doesn't want, I can pick up the next one. And I bet that most smaller ones are a bit more easy on their mind with how to handle I-work-for-nothing internship candidates like me. Well, maybe I can even be of some value for them! Should really, really see it positive and convinced.

So my plan is do some more convenience/used-anyway macros and go on then. The disadvantage of doing everything by yourself is of course not only the work to do but when to do. Usually, I'll only continue if I'm comftable with way and result and only add stuff if I don't feel that the next task will be a quick one. This means that there may be many interruptions of the original goal - like having to code some clever macros inbetween. However, if it's more about some data handling or challenging problems requiring clever solutions, it can actually cheer me up due to the change. Looking at what happened today, I guess my I need to other stuff between the hard, more annoying tasks. I can analyse whatever to discover it's problems, but my psychology and fear behaviour is still a miracle to me.

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