The problem of beeing not-always-veggy

I used to eat not everything, but still a mixed cost of vegetarian and non-vegetarian food. Over time and with some more requests by a now vegan person, I learned to learn more about how vegans and vegetarians get the effects in taste like when eating flesh, fish as well as cheese and milk products. However, I didn't always understood why the fuck someone would try to replace animal products in general. Today it's different and I'd completely drop any consumption of flesh and fish if I'd only had a household beeing completely in my hands, not in others. And excuse my simple attitude towards this, but I'm not someone forcing myself to not eat the stuff that's available to all inhabitants living here. But well, the more and more I get the creeps from all the normal flesh products that're getting bought as well by the way it's cooked and processed. This combined with my inability to eat anything that's not beef, lamb or chicken, way forces me rely on vegetarian or vegan food. A few years ago I dropped fish in any way due to several and yesterday I had a disgusting event making me eat no chicken anymore. What frightens me a bit is that I mostly didn't really stop eating all this due to ethical/moral or animal protection reasons. Sure, I do have some people around me standing for animal rights and I find it great that they can stand in for them and just do not eat flesh. But without a certain environment in which I live, I can't convince myself to completely drop animal products or atleast only flesh. For example, today someone's making fish fingers, mostly because I had a "vision" before about the joys of fish fingers during my childhood. So what would you do: say that it's murder and psychologically kick their asses or let your defense down and do one exception for instance and remembering cause you didn't eat any fish fingers in ages but do not want to cook for yourself today? Food is something I decide about taste- and experience- oriented and my moral/ethical center linked in slowly over time - though very persisten and irreversible. It really breaks a certain piece in my heart that I'm today trying something I sweared off a while ago. But all in all it's "just" food and my moral/ethical attitude is more made of fighting for the freedom of will and choice, which contradicts with with eating flash due to animals having will and choice, too. I'd never kill an animal for eating it, but I eat dead animals others have killed for this reasons. On one side I can't judge them for killing because they were probably grown into it and won't change their attitude towards it. On the other side they hurt the animal's right of living and not getting killed/hurt, which's also what drives the relation the hunter and it's prey - what would a solution to this scenario be? Well, there is no solution. There's a simple trade-off, not more. Some things do work in reallife and contradict each other, especially when applying things you've grown in your head to the world you're living in. This is the reason why wars are fought, why slaves get humiliated as well as why "all good things on earth flow into the city". It's one of those problems I can never solve in my entire life and I bet most people don't want to solve or see any reason for why it is a problem. I'm between two sides, but more and more I'm choosing one and I know I won't stop here. Food is war, it never was something different. And currently I'm quite exploiting the plant world due to this.

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