6.24.2011

Chosen language of choice, thought to form

As I was watching a wonderful BBC film version of Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Silk Stocking, I noticed how much more expressive and pleasing the English language is for me compared to German, my native language. I'm sure it is due to me liking a difference in act and person between myself and others during the time I went to school. It's the time when my inner nerd tries to get out on every occasion, bringing himself as far as he could. Over time my view changed, but I still didn't like to express myself in simple German or German itself. The more my English improves and the more I fluent in forming everything in a totally non-native language, the more notice how actually... different, and new, it feels to form and think in English. It's a question of personal taste and choice as well as availability. Most people I know don't think or talk in English. Even with years of teaching, they tend to leave it as technical and fundamental as they learned. I, on the side, am still writing myself a quite comprehensive collection of inner ramblings and rants using this blog. I can reinvent myself, leaving all annoying German things behind. If I start watching movies in English, reading and writing the stuff I like using it, too... Just think about all the stuff you just don't want to have in your nice, small world. Problems of the world right infront of you: laws, money, stupid people, studies you have to do, people you'd rather not like to know cause they rage the crap out of you - all this stuff is gone when I start to think, write and argue in English. I love to hear the sound of something different, stuff that's not the usual German trash but understandable, too. There are so many things waiting inside of me: dreams, ideas, whole dialogs and whatever not I'd never want to express in German. Especially things related to love and deep emotions are just plainly disgusting to pronounce in German. Maybe this has to do with the fact that I just don't want to have to do anything with stuff that's around me from my birth on. I still life here where I was born cause I don't have the money to get an own flat, I still have to talk to everone else in this language made to chop wood and scrap metal and I'm still stuck the persons there were always present in my whole life til this very moment. I love completely everything to begin something new. I often completely reorder my room, delete all savegames of a video game, setup new operating systems and buy some new, colorful bedclothes from time to time. Choosing a different language to express myself better is one step closer to the moment I'm starving for since I first thought of it. This big change is, unfortunately, a very slow process as well as planned life changes in general. The moment I realized that I'm gay may be this first time I started to want a change, a total change turning every how it was and how it would become. Yes, I think it began there. Atleast something deep inside me made click. I can only imagine what could it be to have this change as well as how it lifes, but I doubt I'll realize that it's there when it actually happened, like always...

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