What and what not

The last days I realised that what I really want to do. Saying that I refer to why I tend I'm a programmer and not a game designer. At first, I love technology more than designing and making videogames. I always ask myself: "What should I do from now? What do I want do in this game I'm making since one and a half year? What is the technology I need to make it true?". But in the reality it's an open question. The state of beeing able to limit what technology you want to implement to archieve what you really want is a gift - if you know what you want. I'm not able to decide what my game will be like, except that it will include everything I love with every technology I want to implement. And I want to implement EVERYTHING if it comes so far. That's the problem. Coding everything AND designing everything is far too much. And I don't to collaborate with others since it's my personla project. My home, my castle. It's also like huge fucking challenge. If somebody read what I wrote about my game, he or she willll probably know how insane the combination is. And performance-hungry. And performance-effective. And complex. And simple. And flexible. wut? I need months to implement things in the code since I want the perfect integration of it. I see my code is far more prototypey than I thought and requires a lot of work. But hey, I have 6 weeks of free time now and I guess I will start coding again. Just because I need something to do. Playing Diablo and Titan Quest all the time gets boring and I really dont want to review these 6 weeks under the knowledge that there is much stuff to do on it. I'm not in a devlock like many other indies when it comes to titanic projects like this. I feel bad when writing small pieces of code just to make the game run. No, I love the have a huge pulsating system of virtual communication system and data trees connected with eachother to form a fucking bizarre construct. I probably just like the idea and thinking about it itself. I mean that's like porn for me. I get awesome ideas and wild visions but in the there is nothing but the fiction and a desire for more. The reality is different and my dream can only come true when doing by myself. I have dozens of techniques I want to prototype there. Dozens to things where I'm not sure if have the motivation to implement them (mainly because I need a specific goal for what I'm doing - otherwise it would be strange prototypey stuff). That's a huge concern of mine and at days like today I really dont know what to do. Did I mentioned I continued playing Diablo II online? I switched to Expansion and was immediately satisfied by how complex and possible the options in it's system can be. Once I was interested in modding it and did also a lot of cheat tools to test what the game is able to do. The game has to possibility to make great things, but it doesn't them. Isn't it weird? They have dozens of features for items and such but they don't use them. There literally hundrets of spells done with a more or less flexible particle system and complicated stats formalus. It's like they knew how complex it could be, but in the end the technoloy isn't that awesome. It's awesome to get a moment when you break the intended. When you found a way to play a character that wasn't intended. And after it there is still the fascination about the system behind. Because it's a simple system, but people can change it to do dozens of things. That's what I love about this game. It's not the gameplay itself or the visuals. It's the technology. I'm playing it since I'm twelve and I was always fascinated by how well it works even with thousands of magic projectiles, transparent sprites and thingies. I know, nowadays this is typically, but must understand my computer upgrade story. I began with a 200 Mhz Pentium I processor and Windows NT when there where processors around with 6 times more power (I guess it was like that). Only build-in speakers, a 640x480 resolution and fucking big keyboard from IBM. I had this setup for years, my father gave it to me (he's a hardware freak with all kinds of fucking old and boring things) and I really hate that he gave me such a stupid little machine. But what I learned when I programmed on it was great, because the machine was slow and I had to watch out how much is happening on the screen. Then I decided to buy a 3.00 Ghz Pention 4 and everything changed except my attitude towards fast code for games. I began to program because I wanted to make games. No specific things. Just games. I had some awesome ideas and after RPGMaker and Blitzbasic I lost the interest in making the games I had ideas of because I know had something more interesting - more programming possibilites. It needed two commercial Basic variants to finally discover C++. Then it took me years to realise whats to awesome about it - but I kept on coding. I focussed pretty much on lowtech things (gamedev-wise) like software rending and memory management, it was a greate challenge. I mean I also had the ability to stick with my Basic languages and code games. But I wasn't interested anymore in designing them, so the reason for game programming flew away. No more reasons, no more need for it. My gamedev crazyness ended but I still say I'm coding a video game. I'm coding a video game. I use as an excuse for stopping game design. It's something I say for me, no for other people. I don't code games anymore. I code weird combinations of performance-heavy technologies and combine them to form virtual worlds. I don't even think about design anymore. I only have ideas about technology and that I want them to be combined in one piece of work. I love code. And I love alghorithms. It's weird and feel kinda technosexual saying this. No, not really technosexuality (since I'm gay enough to love men more than artificial objects). But it feels like that. I also share the weird love for letters, fonts and ASCII games. I mean they are great. I see them and I'm immediately satisfied. More than a modern 3D game can satisfy me. And thus I'm trying to combine. My love for code and alghorithms and my love for text. Most of my "game design" ideas are no game design ideas. They are exact representations of virtual worlds the user can explore. I think them game isn't appropriate here. When I'm thinking about what the final "product" will be, it's more like an area of interaction and exploration. There is no goal except the ones you set yourself. My visions are connected interacting systems where everything game-related comes by the user, not the program. I really don't know how to describe it exactly, but I feel like it's the only explanation for it. I see no future for me as a game developer or game designer. Maybe there is no desciption for what I'm doing.

I feel a warm sun melting the winter ice on my face. It's 9:30 am where I live. Time to do something.

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